Today is the first day of my sophomore year of college. Rather than feeling excited, I'm feeling disappointed and kinda sick. I think I'm catching that summer cold I thought I'd avoided. The disappointment is because of audition results. Yesterday, I auditioned for the fall concert bands. I was really hoping to make Wind Symphony, but I was just one chair away....again. You see, this happened in the spring as well. The only difference between now and then is that I practiced less for this audition and I didn't cry when I saw the results this time.
The lack of crying kind of disturbs me because I always cry when I care a lot about something. So, this leads me to believe that I just don't care as much anymore. Is this a bad thing? Am I learning to not take myself as seriously? I didn't stress about this audition. I practiced for 3-4 weeks ahead of time. I just didn't worry as much and I take that as a small achievement even if it yielded disappointing results. Sometimes I wonder why I'm a performance major when I'm really not that great at performing. Then I remember the other music major options: Music Theory-boring and really pointless unless I want to be a professor, Music Composition- difficult and I have no desire to write music, and Music Education- dear Lord, can you imagine me trying to conduct a group of young musicians?!! You might be thinking, "Why is she a music major at all?" I wonder this sometimes, too. I always come up with the same answer-- I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have music. I've been in band since I was 9 years old (almost 11 years ago). I've always had band to help me make new friends when I'm in a new setting. Music has been my hobby and pretty much my life. So, when I was thinking about majors, I knew that music couldn't be left out. Plus, I got a whole lot of scholarship money that more than covered the costs of a double major. So, here I am, a flute performance major failing to meet my own ridiculously high standards and feeling immensely disappointed in myself.
Now that I've typed out all of my feelings of inadequacy and depression, I'll end with a good thing, bad thing overview. Good thing, bad thing. Good thing, bad thing.
Good thing: I have Criminal Procedures class next which I'm looking forward to.
Bad thing: I didn't do as well as I'd like on my concert band audition
Good thing: I'm about to go get some coffee. I love coffee.
Bad thing: I'm getting a summer cold.
Good thing: My boyfriend brought me orange juice, cough drops, and sorbet yesterday just because he loves me. : )
Bad thing: It's a long wait til my next class.
Any ideas on how to see the good in a disappointing situation? How do you avoid setting ridiculously high standards for yourselves?
I hope everyone else's day is going well and that you're not disappointed about anything.